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2013年12月 6日 (金)

香山リカのココロの万華鏡:母と娘、複雑で面白い関係 /東京

December 01, 2013(Mainichi Japan)
Kaleidoscope of the Heart: Untangling complicated mother-daughter relationships
香山リカのココロの万華鏡:母と娘、複雑で面白い関係 /東京

So many of my patients come to see me about family issues. In many cases, they have problems with their parents, saying, "I can't open up to them," or, "They've hurt me."
 診察室に来る人の悩みで、圧倒的に多いのは「家族のこと」。
 特に、子どもが親に対し、「心を許せない」「傷つけられた」と悩むパターンが多い。

Daughters, in particular, seem to have difficulties dealing with their mothers. Their ages vary widely, from teenagers to women in their 50s and 60s. In fact, I met a woman in her 70s who told me that she had been rejected by her mother ever since she was young. The mother, if I remember correctly, was in her late 90s.
その中でも目につくのが「母の問題」で苦しむ娘たち。娘といっても10代もいれば50代や60代もいる。一度、「若い頃から母親に否定され続けてきた」と話す70代の女性に会ったことがある。母親は、たしか90代後半だった。

The other day, I was reading a magazine that mainly targets male white-collar workers, and came across an article in which male athletes and scholars talked about their mothers. These men said their mothers had always been proud of them and had given them all the love they could provide. Even when they became successful in their professions, their mothers always cared for them.
This may sound blunt, but I was impressed by how simple a mother-son relationship is.
 先日、男性ビジネスマンが多く読む週刊誌を読んでいたら、プロスポーツ選手や学者の男性たちが「母の思い出」を語る記事が載っていた。彼らは母親にとって「自慢の息子」で、あふれんばかりの愛情を注がれて育ち、社会的に成功してからも母だけは自分を心配してくれた−−といった尽きせぬ思慕を語っていた。失礼な言い方だが、「母と息子って単純な関係なんだな」と感心した。

Mother-daughter relationships, on the other hand, are complicated. Many women who come to my clinic because they have problem with their mothers don't actually hate them.
 それに比べると母と娘は複雑だ。診察室にやって来る娘たちにしても、多くは心底、母親が嫌いなわけではない。

I asked one patient who had rocky relationship with her mother (because the mother once told her that she couldn't do anything right) about her plans for the weekend and she said she was going to see a musical with her mother.
「あなたは何をやってもダメな子ね」と子どもの頃、母親に否定された傷がいつまでも消えないと苦しむ女性に「この週末はどんな予定ですか」と聞くと、にっこりして「母とミュージカルを見に行く」という答えが返ってきて驚いたことがあった。

She explained that although she couldn't seem to forgive her mother, they shared the same pastimes now, and she didn't mind spending time with her mother if they were enjoying what they both liked.
「許せない母ですが今は同じミュージカルスターにハマっていて。趣味だけは妙に一致するので、その時だけは一緒に行動してもいいかな、と思ってます」と言う。

"I can't stand her, but I can't help caring about her" -- this might be how daughters feel toward their mothers. Women are constantly asking themselves, "Do I or do I not like my mother?" "Do I want to spend time with her?" Unable to answer these questions, they become stressed out.
 わだかまりはあるけれど、気になる存在。許せないけれど、わかりすぎるくらい通じ合ってもいる。だからこそ、「私は母が好きなの? 嫌いなの? 一緒にいたいの? いたくないの?」と自分でも分からなくなり、余計に娘たちはイライラするのかもしれない。

The Japanese novel "Showa no Inu" (A Dog in the Showa Era) by Kaoruko Himeno tells the story of a woman who grows up never really getting along with her parents. Her father always yells at her and her mother is never sympathetic toward her daughter. When the father dies, however, the mother's personality transforms completely and she becomes a cheerful person. The mother eventually becomes ill and has to be admitted to a local rest home, but the daughter comes to see her mother from Tokyo every weekend.
 小説家、姫野カオルコさんの「昭和の犬」の主人公は、両親としっくりこないまま大きくなった娘の物語だ。父には怒鳴られ続け、母にも受け入れてもらえない娘だが、父が他界すると母は「それこそ『インベーダー』に乗っ取られたのではないかというほど人柄を変え」、朗らかになって娘も幸せな時期を過ごす。その後、母は体を壊して介護が必要となり、地元の施設に入るが娘は毎週末にせっせと東京から面会に通う。

Although they never settle their differences, the daughter and the mother even talk about their past, and the daughter starts to feel that she has been blessed to be raised in her family.
母親と昔のことまで話し合い、和解したわけではないのだが、介護の日々の中で娘の心に「自分は恵まれていた」という実感がふつふつと湧いてくる。

Mother-daughter relationships can be complicated, but at the same time, they're intriguing.
 母と娘の、すぐに説明できない関係。難しいけど面白いと思う。

(By Rika Kayama, psychiatrist)
毎日新聞 2013年11月26日 地方版

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